Un-ending, Un-nerving Questions

One year has passed but I refuse to think of it as all a waste …

Two years gone but yet in hope I look on as a child pressed against the window of a candy store unable to reach the candy …

I look on and cant help but wonder, so many questions, I should ask, I know I should but who has answers? I get to this point and my insides suddenly curl up into a tight knot, I fear that the answers I so seek are such that would stir things up. Now I can’t help but wonder if the truth is really what I seek or a semblance of it. I sigh for fear that I may already know these answers… the real question being, what are you afraid to own?

Two years, I had it all planned out, like the “Italian job” I had a well laid out plan… follow it to the letter and everything would be fine. Where did this plan all fall to? Did I lose the blueprint? Did the reality of life hit so hard, it made my blueprint seem like make believe?

Notice how it started sounding like I made the plans all by myself? notice how self serving this so called blueprint may have seemed? this walk became self serving, self-centred, ego-centric. Little wonder two years down the line, I am left with no blueprint, an almost empty feeling, un-accomplished, under-achieved (I could go on)

I continually tell myself i’m work in progress (WIP) but I must have thought I had stopped being that at some point, I must have thought; I have hit the mark and it is now left for others to run up and catch on… Oh! how wrong was I.

Do not get me wrong, I have tall dreams, I have some visions that would knock the socks out of you but I admit I wake up most mornings feeling like I feel at this exact moment… empty!

Today… reality set in, and for most of the evening unnerving questions have flooded my mind, questions I usually ask but not voice… today I give them voices of their own… becoming a GLEEK has made me aware that a singing voice is most times your only weapon; My weapon is my blog, my voice.

A snippet of the dialogue between my voice and I:

My voice: What are you up to?
Me: Erm…. nothing really
My voice: Any plans then?
Me: Yes, loads of them..
My voice: OK, that’s fine, what are you doing about them then?
Me: ….. (lost the voice)

Pretty much… I have got plans, but I sit around and hope they would manifest! How insanely crazy can that be? and other days I’m pumped up and ready to take on the world, but a few days down the line I’m back to square one. Gosh it reminds me of my appetite with its nocturnal seasons, and takes mid-breaks at least 2 weeks in a month.

Lost… is mostly what I feel right about now… My voice is screaming out God I need HELP!!! No actually its yelling GOD I NEED YOU…I have lost my way

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